this journey tho…

this journey tho…

I can’t even tell you how much of this journey is about a mental game with yourself.
Once I tell myself I’m on a diet, all I can do is think about the things I can’t have. And I think about it until I just give in and eat it. Then I feel guilty about eating it, so I just eat more or something else because I just ruined my day and what does it matter any more, I’m just a failure.   *SIIIIIIGHHH*

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I think I finally figured out the reasons for my weight issues. You hear all the time with weightloss stories that there was some catastrophic thing that happened to them. And as far as I know, anyway. I just read a book called “It Was Me All Along” by Andie Mitchell. While reading this book I had a lot of “aha” moments. I know I’ve always been am emotional eater but it isn’t until I read this book that I understand why. My whole thing with that is for another blog post. I just wish I could figure out why if I eat one thing it just goes down quickly for the rest of the day.

I wish I had will power, I wish I could drop 100 pounds in a month. I wish it never was an issue for me. I wish that I could always eat right. I wish that there wasn’t bad food. I wish that donuts had vitamins in them. I wish that chocolate chip cookies worked like slim fast. I wish I could have magic and ‘poof’ myself to my goal weight.

But those things will never happen. As the prophet said…


So that means I have to get it straight in my mind. I need to stop wishing about it, get to work!! Deep down I want to be able to know that if I eat something bad it doesn’t have to ruin my whole day. So I will continue to figure it out, until I do I will have to play these mind games with myself.

Another year has gone

Another year has gone

It has been a whole year since I wrote last. HOLY CRAP! I am recomitting myself to writing this blog…hopefully I can do better than I have been!

Here we are still on this forever weightloss journey. I guess it won’t be a weightloss journey forever but it will be my journey to healthy. Let me do a little bit of updating. About 5 years ago I started a weightloss journey. That led me to losing 127 pounds. I was able to keep it off for awhile. I then found my husband and I was remarried on Sept. 28 2013. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant so we started trying shortly after we were married. Well, it didn’t take long and I was pregnant in Feburary. I had Parker on Nov. 10, 2014. With dating and getting married, my weightloss wasn’t the front runner anymore and I gained about 20 pounds. With the pregnancy I gained 55 pounds. I started on my journey again and lost 30 pounds.

I was in a major car accident in March of 2015. That is when I realized I was pregnant again! I was determined to not gain another 55 pounds and ended up gaining about 30 pounds. I had another boy, Ryker. He was born on Nov. 27, 2015. The babies are 1 year and 17 days life is CRAZY! After having Ryker I started on my weightloss journey again. I signed up with BeachBody to be a coach and I am currently doing the 21 day fix. This is my fourth round I think, and I have lost 33 pounds since. I LOVE the 21 day fix. It is such an amazing and easy program to do. I also have been doing the exercises that go with the program, at home.

About 3 weeks ago I went to the doctor. I was having major pain in my foot and I knew it was broken. I indeed had a stress fractor in my foot and the doctor said NO to exercising. So I let that get to me for awhile, but now I am ok with it. I hate that there is always a set back for me. I was telling my husband that I was only able to be on my journey again after Parker for 3 months, then I became pregnant. 3 months into this journey again and my foot is broken. There is something about that 3 month mark that my body hates, lol. But I have 3 more weeks in my boot and hopefully it will be good to go. I have been doing sit down exercises, you know, the ones for the grandmas. But it is something and something is better than nothing.

I am excited for my jourey again. I am ready to get this weight off me, once and for all. No more babies for this mama! Yes, my life is crazy and I am super busy but I have learned that if I take 30 minutes of time to exercise in the morning I am a much happier person. I am able to handle the stress of the day much easier and I don’t have such a bad attitude about everything. So here is to more morning workouts and being the best me I can be!


My tips

My tips

I’ve been on my re-journey for about a month. I lost 13 lbs within the first couple weeks and haven’t lost anything since. That’s according to the scale.
My husband Dan was telling me that I was looking different but of course I didn’t believe him, until I saw this picture of me.


The left was when I started, the right was a day ago. BIG difference right??
I have now measured myself and know I’m losing inches. I wish I would of measured myself at the beginning.

So a few people asked me for tips on how I am doing it. First I have to say that I really am not sure about what I am doing, but I’ll share.

I started off thinking that I’d do a low carb diet. I’m not sure where I came up with that but I had no idea how to do it right. I didn’t know what a good number of carbs a day was and what was considered bad for you.

I started getting really sick to my stomach and so in talking with Dan, he helped me decide that I should just do what I did last time I lost all my weight.

So, I’m ‘counting’ calories. This is what I do and how I do it.

I installed an app on my phone, it’s called Noom coach. It tracks my steps each day and you can do exercise with it. It  tracks how far you’ve gone and how many calories you burned. It also allows you to put in what you eat and it counts the calories for you.

At first I decided to just eat a normal day and see how many calories I was eating and then changed it up from there.

I started to walk. I walk on the track at my rec center and I also walk outside at the cemetery again. I started only able to go around the track 6.5 times which is a mile. The other day I just walked 4 miles, 26 times around. I now have about an hour of music on my phone and I walk until it stops. Each week I add another song to the playlist. I try to go at  least 3 miles and burn at least 500 calories. I really want a fitbit!

Then I started drinking a ton of water. I still have a hard time drinking water. I do also drink diet Pepsi, can’t help it right now! You should drink half of your body weight in ounces. So if you weigh 200 lbs, you need to drink 100 ounces a day. Drinking water helps you to feel full.

I also started following a ton of people on Instagram for inspiration. This can cause issues, lol. Sometimes I look at the pictures and get jealous or depressed because I am not done with my journey like others are, or as far along as others are. So this may or may not be a good thing 🙂

Eating is a big part of losing weight. You need to make sure that your body is getting nutrition. I stopped eating: white bread
White Rice
Sugar (I do still have treats, maybe more than I should, but it’s better then it was before)
Fast food

It seems daunting right?? Do a little at a time, start with drinking more water then loose the other things. It’s a life style change it isn’t a diet.

I started eating:
Whole grains.

I eat a ton of veggies! Typical day for me is as follows:
Life cereal 1.5 servings
Almond milk
I then go walking, it’s the best time for me to do it.
Usually fruit like an apple with peanut butter, it’s a great post workout snack!

Turkey sandwich on a whole grain thin bun. With just mustard (0 calories) lettuce, tomato, cucumber
Then probably a salad and a few more veggies.

Cottage cheese

This never is typical for me. It depends on what my family is eating. We just had spaghetti. So I had spaghetti squash for my noodles, YUM!

Air popped popcorn!! You get 3.5 cups for like 97 calories!

I try really hard to not go over 1000 calories. Sometimes I eat like 1100 which I’m ok with. It’s all about burning more calories than you eat. If i walk a really long time and burn more calories I may eat more that day.

You can make cauliflower into rice, pizza crust, mashed potatoes. You can use zucchini for noodles. They call them zoodles and there is a tool to cut it so it looks like noodles, YUM!

I never really understood what it meant to burn more calories than you eat. I didn’t realize you burn calories all day long. I found a chart that tells you from your age and weight how many calories you burn on an average day. Mine was like 3200 something. So when I work out and burn 500 calories then for that day I would burn 3700 calories. So now I need to eat less then 3700 calories that day. So when I eat 1000 calories a day I have a 2700 calories that are a deficit. (Idk if that makes sense).

Weight loss is more a mind game then anything. You have to want it so bad to be able to be successful. Once the scale starts to go down you will want to eat better and better.

Here are a few pictures of things that I’ve made. I just like to put a bunch of veggies together and fry them, it’s always yummy!


Spaghetti squash
Shredded carrot
Yellow/Red Peppers
50 calories of deli turkey meat
All was 130 calories, and it was so yummy!!


Chicken salad on romaine lettuce


This is scrambled eggs!
A little but of cheese
And green taco sauce

Idk if this helps or what you wanted, please ask me questions if you have them, I’m willing to help/share anything!

Here we go!!

Here we go!!

Tomorrow is my day to start. My friend who lives in a different state is going to do this with me.

We have decided that January 5th is when we will start this journey again. The kids will be back in school and routine will happen again.

I’ve been thinking about this ALL the time. No more excuses for me. I have to get on that scale in the morning and face the truth of what I have become.

I beat myself up over this almost daily. I tell myself, ‘you’ve probably put your body into shock so the weight isn’t going to come off again’ or ‘you are starting all over again, how could you of done this to yourself?’ ‘Always breaking promises to yourself’ and I could go on and on.

But is that really necessary??? NO!! I am human, I grew another human and gave birth to him, I let myself go… Now it’s time to get over it. It’s time to get it started again. It’s time to stop looking back and start trusting and believing in yourself again.

This little dude was worth the weight gain. He is so precious and has brought more joy into my life than 9 months of going to a gym, and being 20 pounds lighter could of brought me.



I am a tough woman, I can do hard things. I know how to eat right and I really do love to exercise. Now it’s time to focus on me. I had a saying on my mirror…’you’re growing a baby, it’s fine! Baby first, body image next’. Time to be me again, to focus on my goals. Little dude will NOT know me as being fat. He will NOT know me as lazy, but will know me as the fun active mom.

Let’s go!!!!!!!

I want me back!

I want me back!

It’s been awhile since I have written, I have a lot of things going on in my life. Learning to be a wife again, learning to be the housewife again, and also learning how to grow a baby again.

That’s right I’m having a baby! I’m 35 weeks pregnant, that’s 8 months along today.


I am so incredibly happy about this. When I first was divorced I wanted to have more babies, as the years went on and I got older I figured it wasn’t right for me anymore. So I  pushed the thoughts aside. My best friend had a baby 2 years ago and I have secretly wanted more kids since.

When I was dating my husband he knew I wanted to have kids. He has never had children of his own, and he wanted it also. I was so happy that he wanted children also. I wanted to get on it right away, I’m 36 years old and I’m not getting any younger. We waited a few months and then got pregnant. I thought it would take a few months of trying, as I was never able to have more with the first marriage, but it didn’t and right away the month after lifting the birth control I was pregnant.

It’s been a LONG  8 months!! It’s been a HUGE mental challenge for me. I got really depressed about gaining weight. Everyone says, but you’re growing a baby! That’s fine and they are correct but I’m also getting fat again! It took a few months before I could get over that hurdle, well mostly over it.

I’ve had premature labor signs since like week 14, so I’ve had to take it really easy. Which meant no more exercise for me 😦 all I can do is sit here and just watch the pounds come on. Of course I’ve been craving all the bad things and have given into most of them, I know it’s my fault as well that I’m gaining weight. I hurt so bad all over, because I’m not exercising or doing much at all, my fibromyalgia kicks in and I’m stiff and sore. But I’ll handle it, to keep baby baking.

I REALLY can’t wait to have my body back to myself. Don’t get me wrong, being pregnant is an amazing miracle and I’m extremely happy. I feel bad when I complain I know a lot of women who wish they could be pregnant, but its my blog and I want to be real.

I can’t wait to lose this weight again. Everyone says you’ve done it before you can do it again. Yes I can, but that doesn’t mean I want to! But I  will. I want to live life again. I want to move without getting out if breath. I want to stretch and hike and go for a walk. I never really thought I’d miss it. But I do. I try not to look at my pictures before I was pregnant, because it makes me sad, but for right now, today, it gives me motivation. I want to be ME again!

I can’t wait to take the baby (a boy again BTW) for a walk or for a hike this spring. I can’t wait to see that scale go down instead of up.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I promised myself I would never get this high again, and here I am. I feel like I’ve let myself down and I’ve let my husband down and all those that have been inspired by me. But I will get there again!!


Seeing the side by sides gets me motivated, I can’t wait to have the smaller me on the left side!

I know I can do it, I know u have the will power and I really can’t wait to have me back again!

If i let myself get lost in my feelings of negative thoughts I will end up thinking that I look likes I did back at my heaviest.


But if I really look at this pic I know I’m not, even though I may feel like I am when walking up the stairs makes me very winded!!

I will get there again, and surpass my last goals, I know I can do it, and I certainly will!!!



Since I wrote that letter to the gym I have gone back each day. I keep giving myself different goals while I am there and I was so excited when I hit it a few days ago.


I wanted to do a 5k 3.1 miles on the elliptical…and there it is. this was on Friday So I did it again…


This was yesterday. I was so tired from work but I went anyway..and did it again. It feels great to have the power within myself…I should say too see the power within’s always been there..I just lost sight of it.

Today a good friend of mine told me that she had been working on her own journey..which made me cry..she said I was her inspiration..that if I could do it…she could too. That it’s such an amazing feeling. You can do it…you just need to believe.

And lets laugh at the funny moments…


Ummm….oops! I saw this on my shoe after I had been in the gym.

I haven’t weighed myself..but I know I’m doing better than before. And that’s what matters now for me.

Dear gym

Dear gym

We need to get back together…and I mean for real this time! No more just when I feel like going…no more just when I have time for you.

I am  ready this time to give you my attention. I’m ready this time to commit to you fully.

I know what you do in my life. I know that when we are together I feel better about myself…the weight comes off (hopefully) but mostly my confidence goes up and I feel alive when I’m with you!

Please gym..I NEED you in my life and I’m ready to prove it!

Love, Holli

So I sit here tonight and always on my mind is my weight. I feel horrible…I can’t stop the negative thoughts each time I look at my stomach. I’m so hard on myself emotionally but lately I haven’t been able to make it to the gym. I keep finding every excuse out there…and I have NO problem eating junk.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where my motivation went…I don’t know why I keep thinking that this is ok…because it isn’t. I want to be smaller…I want to feel healthier…I want to be the best me!

I have lost a lot of weight…127 pounds…why can’t I continue to do it? It’s sooooooooooooo frustrating and I just want weight to come off. I KNOW what it feels like to be huge and I look at the weight on the scale and think…that’s not far from your highest weight…then get depressed and want to eat. But really…it isn’t close to my highest weight…why oh why can’t I get it together?

I watch shows  like my 600 pound life and know in my heart that I’m not that big…but honestly in my mind I sometimes feel that way. My hair is now longer and its back to my natural color…last time my hair was like that…I was huge and I think that had to do with some of my horrible thinking.

Please if you have a way…I want to know about it!

Going down!

Going down!

This week has been crazy! I’ve been to the gym every day..even though a lot of the stresses of being a mom wanted to get in the way…I still made it! (I’m super proud of myself for not giving into the voice telling me all the excuses I had for not going to the gym)

I finally dared to weigh myself again and I am down 8lbs! So those pounds that came on had to be water retention…sooooooooooooo happy!!

I feel like I can do this. The stresses of loosing weight are not fun but I got it! My morning stiffness (from fibromyalgia..when I wake up my whole body is stiff and super sore) has come on full blown…not holding anything back! But it’s part of my life and I’ll continue to deal with it.

As long as that scale keeps going down…I’ll keep my spirits high and really either way…I got this!




As I reflect on my life and my journey I realize there are some minor things and some major things that I have overcame to be where I am today.

It’s not always easy for me to recognize these things and its easy to under deflate their value…but I’m a strong woman because of these things.

I got married right out of high school..had 2 wonderful boys. My ex was not a pleasant person..he was cruel. He was emotionally abusive and I ate away my hurt from him. He was accused of a nasty crime…he plead his innocence and I bought it. Stood by him..until more evil came out of him and I left.

I was a single mom…no help from him other than taking the kids on the weekend..that ended when he landed himself in prison. Needless to say this was a very trying time for my kids…and me. My one son ate his emotions and I didn’t realize it for a long time.

While still married I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I’ve had it now for almost 8 years now.

I am always so tired and hurt so bad. I also suffer from bad feet. Is hereditary…I’ve had 7 surgeries on my feet and never thought I would be able to walk barefoot. They are always hurting me.

When I first started exercising I knew it was going to be harder for me because of the fibro…and boy was I right. I remember walking and crying…because I was in so much pain…but I pushed through it. I told myself years ago that I would NEVER be defined by my pain.

I keep most of my pain from others. When I talk about it..people just think I’m crazy. I do things that others do so it’s hard for people to believe I’m in pain.

I pushed through it all and lost the that I’m exercising again and not use to it…I hurt. I hurt so bad!! I’m lucky now to have a caring husband…who understands…who helps me feel better…who cries with me. The pain is a normal thing for me…but sometimes I can’t handle anymore And just need a good cry.

Knowing the pain I’m in…I’m a super hero for even getting out of bed..but to lose the weight…! It’s a huge hurdle that I am overcoming. Right now my hip hurts so bad that I can’t sleep..and I’ve cried tonight…but it isn’t going to stop me. I have an amazing husband who helps me through.
I will over come this pain again! I will endure restless nights…sometimes the only thing that helps to endure is to look back at how far I’ve been!



I have been doing so much better with my eating and exercise. I have gone to the gym everyday but Sunday.

I weighed myself before I started going again. Now I weighed myself this morning and I gained 6 pounds. How is that even possible???

Ugh!!!!! I was reading online and people were saying it’s water retention from when you start a new program…but seriously?!?

This has got to stop and I’m the only one who can stop it. I have to do this. I said enough is enough before but now I’m dead serious.

I have these images in my mind of me being my heaviest again and I will not let that happen. No way! I want to get this weight off…it has to come off.

Now to do it!!!